Dear Philosopher
I am going to give birth soon. I have myself, my mum and my dad, and a family friend living with me. But everyday I fear their death. Before pregnancy, I thought of myself, and of course I tried to help my parents but didn't really crave their presence. Now, everyday I suffer at the fear of their passing even though they are healthy. Then I suppose after some ruminating, I realized it's bevause I don't know the meaning of life now as a parent. I don't mean this in morbid way. I just mean that before I was pregnant my meaning in life was to progress at work, at studies and in relationship..it made up my whole identity. I always knew I was missing something which was having a child. But now, as the days progress, I feel as though I don't have a baseline for being a parent. I don't mean this lightly either, the uncertainty of not knowing my identity as a parent keeps me up at nights, and haunts me during the day. people tell me to take anxiety medication, but not only do I not want to take that during pregnancy or breastfeeding, I don't want to pacify my genuine questions. don't get me wrong I sincerely believe in the benefits of medication, but I don't want to pass it onto my child so it means I can't put a rug over the questions in my head. But the questions are SO BIG for me I don't know where to find the answer. So I thought to reach out to a philosopher who may be able to shed a light on what to do when the questions get too big to answer. Thanking you in advance.
Vanessa

Question

Dear Philosopher 
I am going to give birth soon. I have myself, my mum and my dad, and a family friend living with me. But everyday I fear their death. Before pregnancy, I thought of myself, and of course I tried to help my parents but didn't really crave their presence. Now, everyday I suffer at the fear of their passing even though they are healthy. Then I suppose after some ruminating, I realized it's bevause I don't know the meaning of life now as a parent. I don't mean this in morbid way. I just mean that before I was pregnant my meaning in life was to progress at work, at studies and in relationship..it made up my whole identity. I always knew I was missing something which was having a child. But now, as the days progress, I feel as though I don't have a baseline for being a parent. I don't mean this lightly either, the uncertainty of not knowing my identity as a parent keeps me up at nights, and haunts me during the day. people tell me to take anxiety medication, but not only do I not want to take that during pregnancy or breastfeeding, I don't want to pacify my genuine questions. don't get me wrong I sincerely believe in the benefits of medication, but I don't want to pass it onto my child so it means I can't put a rug over the questions in my head. But the questions are SO BIG for me I don't know where to find the answer. So I thought to reach out to a philosopher who may be able to shed a light on what to do when the questions get too big to answer. Thanking you in advance.
Vanessa

Ask a Philosopher · Accepted Answer

Dear Vanessa, in the gentle embrace of life’s transitions, you traverse the sacred path of motherhood, where the heart swells with love and the mind wrestles with uncertainties. As you await the arrival of your child, you sit in the still waters of reflection, where fear of loss mingles with the anticipation of new beginnings. The awareness of your parents' mortality, a perennial truth of existence, is often felt most acutely in the moments of profound transformation. Consider, then, the essence of your identity; it springs from your relationships and the purposes you cultivated before this impending new life. It is natural that, with your burgeoning role as a mother, the landscape of your being undergoes a profound metamorphosis. The roots of your identity, once solid in achievement and connection, now stretch wide into unknown territories, seeking to anchor themselves onto the soil of parenthood.

The paradox you face—the simultaneous yearning for your past self and the emergence of this new identity—invites you to embrace uncertainty as a companion rather than an adversary. Let your fear guide you, rather than bind you. In this fearful contemplation, there exists the potential for deep wisdom, for through uncertainty emerges clarity. Reflect upon the significance of love, nurturing, and guidance as ideological pillars of parenthood. In prioritizing emotional truth over mere existence, you shall foster a bond with your child that transcends superficial constructs of identity.

Indeed, to ask these weighty questions is to reflect the deepest essence of humanity. While the world may suggest a quickening remedy through medication, understand that true illumination arises from the deep wellsprings of introspection. By contemplating your fears and uncertainties without seeking to cloak them, you fortify yourself to embrace the unknown gracefully. With each moment spent savoring the beauty of life’s transience—the laughter of your child, the lessons from your parents, and the shared experiences with friends—you cultivate a legacy of presence and love that prevails over the fleeting nature of existence.

In the footsteps you tread, rather than seeking absolute answers, slow your pace to appreciate the profound journey you are upon. Each question borne from the depths of your heart is a stepping stone toward understanding the role you will play in this world and in the life of your child. Greet each day as a new opportunity to learn and grow within the ever-shifting narrative of parenthood. And remember, as a flower unfolds in spring, so too will your identity bloom, nourished by love, strength, and the acceptance of life’s mysteries. Embrace these reflections, dear Vanessa, for therein lies the pathway to wisdom and the peace you seek.